Philippines Day Twelve

MOUTHWASH ADVENTURE

After I use my aunt’s building’s gym, I usually have a salad with her in her apartment. These salads, though, are chock full of onions, which at the time are really good with their spicy bite, but afterwards leave that oniny aftertaste as only onions do. Of course, it really doesn’t matter that I can taste onion for hours afterwards since I usually go to bed soon after and as such don’t have to play with others, but you know me – might as well try to remove it for the sake of saying I did it. You know, ‘cause I like to think I’m good at low-risk observational humor. Also, because I think someone can be “good” at humor.

So in the bathroom at my lola’s house, I saw this green stuff that could have only been mouthwash. I prepped myself in anticipation for my mouthwashy intercourse: I flossed, I brushed my teeth, I scrubbed my tongue just to see if that’d help (nope).

I took the bottle in my hand and unscrewed the top. Now, I had sort of a convincing-someone-to-eat-wasabi-straight-up-by-telling-them-it-was-green-tea moment: I wondered if I was going drink from the cap, why the cap was so small and why the bottle’s spout was so tiny. I thought it was some quaint contrivance to help people (children) not swallow too much of the stuff, so I filled up the cap, sipped it all up, and started to swish it around.

A surge of chemical tinglyness exploded in my mouth, about eleven to forty-five times more intense than any regular old mouthwash. I could feel my tongue and my cheeks start to wrinkle, and my lips were puckering involuntarily. All that soft tissue in and around my mouth felt like it was being sucked dry. I spit that shit out, and let me tell you, I was in a fucking daze. I groggily grabbed the bottle to find out what the fuck I did wrong and then it was made clear to me that I was an idiot:

Astringo-Sol brand CONCENTRATED MOUTHWASH

Of course, I wanted to know exactly how much of an idiot I was instead of washing my mouth out immediately. Turns out that you mix one part Astringo-Sol and FOUR PARTS WATER. I glanced quickly upwards onto the shelf above the sink and saw a cup that I bet had been used just minutes before to mix one part Astringo-Sol and four parts water and then went straight to gargling with water. Six or seven handfuls of water later, I still couldn’t get the soft tissue in my mouth to absorb the water and diffuse those dehydrated cells. And what’s more, I still tasted onion, but only this time, mixed with the aftertaste and bad memories of Astringo-Sol.

In other news, I’ve been playing Final Fantasy V again, only of course because I’m too old to play Pokemon. Also, I don’t think any one set of RPG commands are as badass as these:

Under “Items” you can select “Mouthwash.” Not for kids.