Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm on the way back to Providence from New York/New Jersey actually
more tired than I was when I left for this trip. I brought a
colleague's diss with me to "inspire me" for lack of a better term,
but did nearly nothing in terms of tangibly advancing my own diss. I
did, however, spend an ungodly amount of time riding in some sort of
conveyance and in the process, New York lost a bit of its sheen for me.

I dropped off my bro at Vassar yesterday. It reminded me of how
awkward that first week of college was for me (with the near-tears in
the shower in the middle of the night because I couldn't stop
pooping). And at the end, I liked college a lot, enough to stick
around in a way.

But as I helped Al build his furniture (after a kinda hilarious
journey from Vassar Shipping and Receiving to his dorm with 7 boxes, a
pushcart, and some rolling hills), I realized that I want to go to the
"next stage" of my life already, but that it seems like things will
pretty much stay the same for a long ass time. I've had some flashes
of change -- new room, first real class, etc. -- but I realize that
I'm 28 and haven't lived by myself yet and that I could be teaching 3
or more classes at a time (you wonder why your professors are so
strange). I wonder sometimes if this unsettledness is just part of
being in my late 20's or some inherited trait from my father who for
other reasons had never really settled on something until recently.

I talked to Daniel and Kim about what it is I want to feel when I have
that one job or one person or one path that I'm to be heading down for
the rest of my life. It basically boiled down to being able to not
take myself so seriously that I'll have drunk the kool aid and believe
that what it is I do is so great that I can't share my detached irony
with a like-minded person. In other words, for better or worse, I want
to live the absurd. I also realize that sorts sucks as a life goal --
such is the strangeness that is being me.